The Transition of the Transmission

I recently had a long talk with my parents. This has been on my mind way before this conversation, but I finally collected enough data to make a complete thought.
It is fairly obvious to all people that have ever lived to imagine themselves dying. The majority of people choose not to be bothered with the many frightening details. Religion gives a quick, and easy answer to the question, then offers a script to follow.
This is both pleasing to the masses, and also free's the mind from thinking outside it's normal routine. I personally do not have a problem with religion because it serves its purpose.....which is "crowd control". I have many chapters of knowledge devoted to my views on this subject but will not digress from the original point.

I have heard many theories on life during the "after-life".....I call them theories because they all claim to be correct, but no one knows for sure. Most of them are premeditated fantasies that use religion for its medium. Even though I will save this for another time, it very well ties into the the conversation I had a few days ago. Maybe it was that fear of not knowing, or the happiness of believing that caused my parents to want to get things in order.
They have invested, planned, and strategized very wisely for the future of the family. I admire this action almost to the point of comparing them with a group of guru's on the mountain top. In some aspects like technology, or progressive thinking they are lacking.....but in this conversation we had they seem to be very aware, and very savvy. At certain points I imagined myself planning such actions early in our lives, so that they can pay-off in the future.
To hear the stories of where they came from, and how much they have progressed.....it almost seems impossible by today's standards.

But there I was, having breakfast, and learning family secrets so that one day if needs be.....My brother, and I can take up the mantle, and continue the legacy. I have spent countless hours listening to stories told by my parents about their, and other relatives past. I soak up all the information in hopes that my mind can chronicle the data, and their collective experiences will not be lost in time.
Even though the thought of death is nothing new to me (another thought for another time). I just couldn't help thinking that what if there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? What if young....old, rich, nice person, or shaolin monk all ended the same?

If animals supposedly have no souls, and therefore can not be judged eternally.....how are we considered more divine? If monkeys are our genetic cousins, and we all breast feed, and have hair like the other mammals in our group. What makes us able to have forty two virgins when we die, instead of life just ending as our animal counterparts? Is is it crazy to think that animals as smart as dolphins can not dream, and can not process mental images of a happy afterlife? After all they do nurture, and care for their young same as humans. I wonder if they think, or strive for a better life for their young.....the whale seeks warm, food rich waters. The lion defends, and prepares its kingdom for the safety of its pride. So is it so unimaginable to think that a manta ray may share the same fate as other animals, and we......animals might share in it? Is it the fact that we have a supposedly knowledge of our existence that allows us the option of whatever we imagine the afterlife to be?

It has been my observation of all things on a planetary scale, that one thing.....one fact is always constant, and true. Nothing ever goes to waste, everything.....and I do mean everything is reused. I forget where I heard the quote from (maybe a snapple bottle) but it was "Every drop of water that ever existed on earth is still here today" I think that within this quote is the key to understanding our own fate. When a fish is caught, a human eats the carcass. When the human dies, bacteria, and worms eat the body. The fish eat the worms, and thus the circle of life. But why does this theory simply stop here? Why is it not expounded upon, and developed further into a unifying conclusion? Is it because an "end all be all" answer would halt other more accepted theories in their tracks?
In moments of self doubting my place in the universe, I often remind myself that metal can be melted down, and separated into their base elements.....plastic can be broken down, and re-shaped into computer monitors, and artificial limbs. Not everything must be thrown into the landfill, and abandoned until the sun is finished with it's light show. So enter a theory of "unused energy".

What is the difference between a living person, and a dead one? both have working organs (yes even consider the heart seconds before expiring). Both have blood, reasonably working brains, and can to an extent still fight germs by way of white blood cells.....Okay, maybe I should have mentioned that the dead guy is recently deceased....recent meaning at the moment of death. But what separates these two celestial bodies? A soul maybe? a weightless, colorless phantasm that stores the trials, and tribulations of the person? Or is it the same life giving energy that is infused into all life? the cows that fill our hamburgers, and leather jackets, or a new born soldier ant that arrives into the world knowing it's duty. All life energy whether they have knowledge of self, or they deny their own existence has a place in the world. And just like the drop of water that was used to quench the thirst of Cleopatra's handmaiden, the life energy is recycled. If every person that has ever lived, never died the world would be very full, loud, smell like hell, and the bodies would probably reach Venus. Chaos would not even be the word for such a place.....for one thing resources like food would be exhausted the first day, and that includes the most important one......Oxygen!

So, is it really more realistic to tell the vast unwashed masses about a pattern that has been in motion since the beginning of time? Or about a continually expanding dimension that has all of your favorite people, places, and things? Maybe the word "crowd control" is the "easy pass" lane of the toll booth of the imagination? saving countless people from the burden of looking for "exact change" before crossing the line. They can just pass through nice, and easy with no need for deep thought, and be billed later.....

Un-beat-believable

They say "time heals all wounds" if that's true, what about "time after time? How can time mend a recurring wound? Some of the challenges we face (some more than others) have a way of floating back to the surface once buried.



In the Harry Potter series its Lord Voldemort, in "the matrix" movies its Agent Smith. Everyone has them, and few truly defeat them. Its what society, and history calls the "Nemesis". The dictionary defines it as: "Something that a person can not conquer". There is no better word that sums up the frustration , and eternal torment that is inflicted by these beings. Once vanquished it is the job of the nemesis to return, at equal or stronger strength, than the previous confrontation. It possesses such a will for revenge that it risks life, and limb to become the never-ending "thorn" in the persons side. So, if such a being can exist, and such a role can be produced? How does one vanquish this villain?



How does the "knight in shining armor" slay the immortal dragon? Where can one find the silver bullet, that stops the were-wolf? It is my belief that some things in life are placed as obstacles. In order to grow as a person, one must summon the effort, or learn the proper technique to jump the hurdle put before them. Once defeated, the person learns from the experience, then moves on to face another, possibly greater challenge. This is the general current of the stream of life. The person may falter at a challenge, choose to repeat the mistake, or overpower the obstacle with knowledge of their failure. The person with 10 points on their license decides to take driver safety classes. The careless homeowner thinks twice before plugging every x-mas tree light into one socket. Everyday there are cases where mistakes are made, and a lesson is learned, or courage is called upon to avoid any repeats. So, what happens when the problem, or obstacle refuses to be thwarted?



Is the hero suppose to defeat the nemesis again, and again even with the knowledge that ultimately they are doomed to replay the struggle? This is more than just a gimmick to add more revenue by producing sequels to books, or movies. It is a question that many of us must face, answer, and re-live. At some point in our lives most of us has had to confront a situation, then deal with it coming back to bite them. Some run, and hide, others fight, and die. No matter how many times you are triumphant your nemesis will come back stronger than before. Constantly mutating, and changing in order to present a different challenge. This is the nature of all "hardship", distress, and pain, in life.



It may occur to anyone with the intelligence to recognize the nemesis, that it can not exist without the hero. Can there truly be only peace in the world? Can evil truly be defeated, and only good prevail. The concept is as imaginary as the idea of a "Utopia". The Nemesis can never be banished to a place where it will never return. That is, without the "hero" being banished himself/herself. Life is all about balance, there is no progress without hardship. Satan can not exist without God, so you can not live without your nemesis.



I am in no way advocating killing yourself to solve your problems. Instead, choose to mutate, metemorphize, and change into an object that your nemesis can not confront. Trees do not only grow vertically, but horizontally. This is the only way to truly beat the demon, and claim victory.

101 unanswered questions (number is inaccurate)

I just don't know...... Is it that human beings are destined to be unhappy? Or is it that I am leading an unhappy life? Or is it maybe I just can't get along with another human being (romantically)......

Just tonight, I think I had a revelation, or possibly a moment of clarity. Between the fourth, and fifth drink, I wondered why I, as a person can't be loved? I see others happy, or so it may seem. I see others sad, I also see others pretending to be happy, so they do not end up in the position that I am in..... am I ugly? am I a generous person on the outside, but a horrible person on the inside? kinda like Ted Bundy? Am I a beautiful person on the inside, but an ugly person on the outside? Like Shrek? I wonder sometimes, I wonder what the people that are with somebody, actually see in the other person. Are they with them because the other person works out? are they with them because the other person has an amazing personality? Why does the person stay with the one that they are with, even though it looks like they are both miserable? Are they afraid of being alone? Is alone really so bad? Is it worth hating everyday of the rest of your life, if it means you will never be alone, and you have a person to call your boy/girl friend?

This is what goes through my mind after I had a few drinks. My mind shifts into hyper speed when not held down by the fear of going insane, or the rush of anger that such thoughts often bring. So I ask myself..... what is wrong with me? Have I not yet found my soul mate? It is a very big planet, maybe making a valiant effort to meet more people will help in my search for a better half? Would my search go better if I looked differently? Maybe if I lived in a different part of the country?

Is it asking to much to want the love that I give out, returned to me? Why must I always be the one to initiate, put down a deposit, then loose all my stock? (not talking about money). Would I render better results if I weren't as nice? Should I risk losing a good friend to potentially have a wonderful relationship? Maybe I'm looking for love in all the wrong places? (like the song says). Will I end up unhappy if I make the wrong choice? Will I think im making the right choice, but end up making the wrong move? Would I rather die alone, than live with someone I don't want to be with?








The answer is.....................

Turning of the tides

I must admit, I made this blog to vent frustrations, pass on wisdom, and examine the few weaknesses I have worked on, and continue to improve upon. Right when I looked in the mirror, and saw the lowest point of my life that I could let myself achieve without contemplating suicide....... The tides took a turn. Just when a long string of situations seem hopeless, and I am ready to just accept the fact that things are, the way they are. The world shifts, and I am opened to a brand new destiny.



I didn't expect it to happen, hell I thought at my age I have been introduced to all of the people I was ever going to meet. Especially in a world as cold, and fast to forget a person as the one I live in. A place where most people don't even acknowledge the existence of another human being (regardless of race) walking down the street. An area of the country that people see your disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and assume that its a trap to rob, or hurt helpful motorists.



I remembered her from my past. She was just a girl then: happy, and eager to figure out the mysteries of life. We did not spend much time together, so over the next few years, both presences have been stored in the back of each others memories, like a time release vault that will unseal itself when the counter reaches zero. I think the vault is the perfect way to describe the situation because without warning, at the zero hour. I was hit with an older, mature, adult version of what I had forgotten so many years ago. Instantly the memories took center stage in the 24/7 Grand theater production that is my mind. The happy little girl role was cut out, and replaced with a tall, dark skin, intelligent woman as the lead actress. When she began her performance, every eye, and ear in the house was affixed to the words, and motions of this ebony goddess. Each gesture recorded, and every movement noticed then stored away.



The clothes she wears, the curves in her frame, the shape of those big pretty eyes that seem to dissect whichever "macho" front I choose to put up. Also the conversation! How could I forget the way we seem to banter well back, and forth (which in my opinion is most important). I find myself inadvertently comparing her to other people. She hasn't lost a match yet, but I am slowly breaking myself out of the habit. I guess I spend a bit to much time thinking about her, but its not entirely my fault. She shares the blame every time my face lights-up when I receive a message, and when an image of her puts on another performance within my mind. The penalties for such actions are swift, and constant: A warm smile, never having to pay for dinner, all the mental kisses one can give, and the deep adoration of a young man.

The Gift, and the Curse

I just had a 4 hour conversation with my parents. This usually doesn't happen; me being a man of few words, and all. The conversation didn't really bother me, but it was the following realization afterwards. It started when my Mother asked me "Do you drink?" A simple question requiring a simple answer. On any other night I might have given a straight answer, but this night I just couldn't help but make a mountain out of a mole hill. Instead of saying "yay", or "nay" I wanted to know if she knew what she was really asking. I gave a "politicians" answer (answering the question with a question), I dissected the question so I could get her to tell me what was really on her mind.



Now....... I am pretty used to dealing with my parents, and their narrow minded views, but something was different about tonight. While I was battling back, and forth about the complexities of the question she asked me. It occurred to me that maybe my deep thinking, logical mind, is a curse?



In my youth, I heard the phrase "What you don't know won't kill you" or something to this effect. It was something about the less you know, the less pain you feel. The exact words slip my mind, but while I struggled with my parents about my explanation of why some questions in life don't always have a yes, or no answer. I remember a thought I had O so many years ago: If its true that the ignorant you are, the less things hurt you, than maybe the inverse is also true. Possibly the more you know.........The more knowledge you gain, the more you are punished for knowing it. For example, I'm sure everyone has experienced a situation that you wish, you would not have know anything about the topic. You opened an e-mail the other day telling you about how the neighborhood "bad ass" is roaming the streets slapping neighborhood puppies. So you (in an effort to not get your furry friend slapped) lock him in the house, with all the windows nailed shut. And the next day you find out it was all a hoax, but its to late to avoid the puddles your pet has created by not being let out of the house to use the "bathroom". This might not be the best example of what I'm trying to convey, but its necessary to show how sometimes (very few in my opinion) ignorance sometimes can be bliss. So, coming back to one of the many pointless battle with my parents, that can never be won by either side. I started to give them examples of how there are "grey" areas in life. How everything doesn't always have to be a "yes, or no" answer. As I was acting out a particular scenario, deep feelings that I once had in my teenage years started to surface. Is it possible that "deep thinkers" like myself, and a chosen few people on the planet, have been given the gift of an open, intelligent, thirst for knowledge mind? or have been cursed with the solitary, often misunderstood logic, and weirdness that comes along with being so much different than everyone else?



For example, A young 14 year old boy in school, is being "picked-on", and harassed by his fellow peers. He sometimes says weird things because his mind constantly asks questions, and wants to learn, but he hasn't yet learned how to ask tactfully. The other children will not befriend him, and make fun of him from groups that dress, talk, and act identically. Now...... this boy is gifted with a mind that will learn, and grow far beyond his immediate classmates. While they refer to him as a nerd, and point fingers, he is understanding how space is a vacuum, and how a pendulum works. On the other side of the coin, while the boy's mind grows, he is looked upon, as eccentric, and odd, because of this talent. Yes, the boy can experience life in a way that most people can't. He will have a greater understand, and be able to manipulate anything he puts his mind to. But on the opposite side, He will have to suffer for his knowledge. The boy will learn of the many kinds of poisonous snakes in the wild, and will in turn never go on a hiking, or camping trip. The kid will read the homicide, and drunken driving statistics, and not want to work up the courage to walk to a friends house for a New Years eve party. It might have been a good idea to know about the info that could possibly save his life, but at the same time it might put a grinding halt on once in a lifetime opportunities. Like say at the party; the boy could have met his first girlfriend, or he could have stopped a friend from getting in the car after downing an entire bottle of "Randy's special cough medicine". Sometimes the aquired knowledge can have its drawbacks.


Now that I have explained how the gift of "open mindedness" could be within itself a curse, lets examine the positive aspects. Having an open mind can mean different things to different people. An idea as easy, and trivial as this, can boggle some minds. While a chosen few are gifted with the ability to take it a step further. For example, I may know someone that is a talented poet, or maybe has the mental focus to perform telekinesis. One of the best things about being this person is that fact that its open! You can express yourself in countless different ways. You are not put into a category: short, tall, funny, ugly, or witty. Unlike the "mainstream" way of thinking, open minded people can excel in their own personal way. They don't have the same music, eat the same food, or dress the same way as everyone else. Now, I know there was some "individualist" movement a while back, and now everyone thinks they are unique. But if you really look at it, that whole movement was just to try to get the average person to be "open minded". There's nothing wrong with this I think, because it just makes the genuine article work harder, and advance their thinking. The Diamonds are forced to shine brighter when you polish the rubies. So, Its my opinion that some people are meant to "think outside the box". There are certain people that have an unquenchable need, to test the boundaries, and learn every detail of the question "why". Also, I think that we should acknowledge these people, because without them there would be no advancement. There would just be puppets, and puppet masters.

Smart is to sexy as un-smart is to un-sexy?????

Originally written: 06/14/07




I remember when I was in grade school. There was this girl, her name was Martine. She was a quiet, and shy type of girl. She rarely spoke (around me), but when she did, every word had correct answers, and made more sense than an eighth grade student should. She wasn't the kind of silent person that has a "stay back" personality. I remember her as being a very warm, and inviting person. Martine was a straight "A" student, I don't even remember hearing of her getting less than an "A+". Back then before the growth process of puberty I had a very juvenile idea about girls..........(I guess because I was in fact a juvenile). But for some reason I figured that a person so smart, beautiful ( I forgot to mention how beautiful she was), and for lack of a better word "perfect" would not want to hang with a reject like me. The guy who was barely making it in class a Peon if you will. Martine was (at the time) a tall, brown skin, short haired slice of pie, with the body to match. And most of all her personality was superb...... she didn't use big words to make you feel dumb, or laugh when you did bad on a test. Looking back, I think I admired her at that age. How a person can be beautiful both inside, and out. Today I actually find the very same characteristics in a woman very sexy. I guess I could not do to much about it in the past........being a peon, and all. But today I find it very comforting when a girl is intelligent, quiet, and an all around good person on the inside. Well maybe quiet isn't the right word...... But when a girl knows how to listen to others, then able to offer an intelligent sensible solution to your problem is a turn on. I'm not saying that she has to be a rocket scientist, and spew Jeopardy facts from each orifice. But I just want to make it clear that having well thought out conclusions, and not being an "A" hole weighs very heavily in my book.

Are old people wise??? or are wise people just old???

Originally written: 5/22/07



I was traveling with my parents last weekend, on the way to a cousins house (B-day party/BBQ). It was me in the back seat, both of them in the front. Ordinarily I would be listening to 2 Pac on my i-pod, in a music filled world of my own. But for no apparent reason I was not. While on minute 45 of the hour, and a half wait to reach the destination I suddenly hear the conversation between my parents seem to come to a pause. Remembering a forum that I was previously reading, I decided to ask them the same question, that had so many "Internet deep thinkers" choosing sides, and battling to prove which side was correct. I asked them "If you were to create a robot (with AI) would you punish it, if it were to make a mistake". Now, don't think that they immediately understood the question. It took several attempts of clarification, and repeating myself in order to get this conversation started. Now to understand their responses, you must first understand in which era they both grew up in. During their prime years, Computers were as big as refrigerators. Calculators, and simple OS programs were just starting out. Now, it took me about 15 minutes to explain to these two what Artificial Intelligence was. Because Instead of answering the real question I posed to them which was basically should you punish something that you created in your own image. They were answering if computers can think for themselves or not. So, in order to get them to understand the question I had to more-or-less prove to them that AI actually exists. So, thinking quick on my toes, I gave them a small example of how AI works with the things they use daily. I gave the example of how a car uses a very fundamental form of AI. For instance, the way a car adjusts the air/ fuel ratio. the CPU in every car has sensors, and these sensors tell the CPU if the engine is running rich, or lean based on the kind of gas that's being used, and the temperature of the engine bay. If the person is cheap, the gas will be lean, and so the CPU must make a decision on how much air to add based on certain factors. Now, after I pretty much prove that machines can actually make certain choices, I bring the question back up. Whether its right to punish the robot for its mistakes. I could see that they had a hard time believing that computers have gotten so advanced that they could actually make choices. I could also see that they were so stuck in the belief that all computers do not get smarter than "computer chess". I could see that this was a problem for them because they started trailing off in the conversation, telling these really long anecdotes to prove their point, and making fake laughs about the question, trying to avoid the acknowledgment of new concrete information into their minds. So, finally after a long interlude of question dodging I finally got them to change the answer to the question. At this point I was not even worried about their answer..... I was more worried about their stubbornness to receive new information. So it got me thinking. Does wisdom really come with age?? Because it seems that when you are older you are more set in your ways. ex. "Can't teach an old dog new tricks". Is that because the dog is close minded, and does not want to learn new facts? So, it seems that I will eventually have to make a choice in life........well maybe choice is not the correct word. Because this "choice" seems more forced on me rather than me actually picking the better road. Will I one day have to decide between being young, and open minded, or being old, closed minded, and wise. Both have advantages, and disadvantages. But I keep wondering........ will I become as narrow minded as my parents????