I just don't know...... Is it that human beings are destined to be unhappy? Or is it that I am leading an unhappy life? Or is it maybe I just can't get along with another human being (romantically)......
Just tonight, I think I had a revelation, or possibly a moment of clarity. Between the fourth, and fifth drink, I wondered why I, as a person can't be loved? I see others happy, or so it may seem. I see others sad, I also see others pretending to be happy, so they do not end up in the position that I am in..... am I ugly? am I a generous person on the outside, but a horrible person on the inside? kinda like Ted Bundy? Am I a beautiful person on the inside, but an ugly person on the outside? Like Shrek? I wonder sometimes, I wonder what the people that are with somebody, actually see in the other person. Are they with them because the other person works out? are they with them because the other person has an amazing personality? Why does the person stay with the one that they are with, even though it looks like they are both miserable? Are they afraid of being alone? Is alone really so bad? Is it worth hating everyday of the rest of your life, if it means you will never be alone, and you have a person to call your boy/girl friend?
This is what goes through my mind after I had a few drinks. My mind shifts into hyper speed when not held down by the fear of going insane, or the rush of anger that such thoughts often bring. So I ask myself..... what is wrong with me? Have I not yet found my soul mate? It is a very big planet, maybe making a valiant effort to meet more people will help in my search for a better half? Would my search go better if I looked differently? Maybe if I lived in a different part of the country?
Is it asking to much to want the love that I give out, returned to me? Why must I always be the one to initiate, put down a deposit, then loose all my stock? (not talking about money). Would I render better results if I weren't as nice? Should I risk losing a good friend to potentially have a wonderful relationship? Maybe I'm looking for love in all the wrong places? (like the song says). Will I end up unhappy if I make the wrong choice? Will I think im making the right choice, but end up making the wrong move? Would I rather die alone, than live with someone I don't want to be with?
The answer is.....................
Just tonight, I think I had a revelation, or possibly a moment of clarity. Between the fourth, and fifth drink, I wondered why I, as a person can't be loved? I see others happy, or so it may seem. I see others sad, I also see others pretending to be happy, so they do not end up in the position that I am in..... am I ugly? am I a generous person on the outside, but a horrible person on the inside? kinda like Ted Bundy? Am I a beautiful person on the inside, but an ugly person on the outside? Like Shrek? I wonder sometimes, I wonder what the people that are with somebody, actually see in the other person. Are they with them because the other person works out? are they with them because the other person has an amazing personality? Why does the person stay with the one that they are with, even though it looks like they are both miserable? Are they afraid of being alone? Is alone really so bad? Is it worth hating everyday of the rest of your life, if it means you will never be alone, and you have a person to call your boy/girl friend?
This is what goes through my mind after I had a few drinks. My mind shifts into hyper speed when not held down by the fear of going insane, or the rush of anger that such thoughts often bring. So I ask myself..... what is wrong with me? Have I not yet found my soul mate? It is a very big planet, maybe making a valiant effort to meet more people will help in my search for a better half? Would my search go better if I looked differently? Maybe if I lived in a different part of the country?
Is it asking to much to want the love that I give out, returned to me? Why must I always be the one to initiate, put down a deposit, then loose all my stock? (not talking about money). Would I render better results if I weren't as nice? Should I risk losing a good friend to potentially have a wonderful relationship? Maybe I'm looking for love in all the wrong places? (like the song says). Will I end up unhappy if I make the wrong choice? Will I think im making the right choice, but end up making the wrong move? Would I rather die alone, than live with someone I don't want to be with?
The answer is.....................
3 comments:
really eloquent post. i think i wondered much of the same things maybe five or six years ago.
i think all the waiting is really a blessing. it will only make you appreciate that person that much more when she comes. also, it gives you a chance to establish who you are and where you want to be in life. so many people don't do that but lose themselves in relationship after relationship.
i think it's wrong to think of all the people who you've pursued as wasted energy. it's good karma if anything. at least you're trying. at the same time, you have to reflect on the people who you're choosing and make sure you're not one of those people who subconsciously pick people who aren't available because they're in actuality scared of being in a relationship.
i think everything will work out for you. you're not too nice lol. it's simple. if you have a connection with someone, take the risk, regardless of if they're a friend or seem beyond your reach. relationships are all about risks.
mo mo the teddy bear...stop being a commitment phobe and good things will come your way ;)
when you're always running from being hurt, you don't allow someone special the opportunity to appreciate how special you really are.
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