101 unanswered questions (number is inaccurate)

I just don't know...... Is it that human beings are destined to be unhappy? Or is it that I am leading an unhappy life? Or is it maybe I just can't get along with another human being (romantically)......

Just tonight, I think I had a revelation, or possibly a moment of clarity. Between the fourth, and fifth drink, I wondered why I, as a person can't be loved? I see others happy, or so it may seem. I see others sad, I also see others pretending to be happy, so they do not end up in the position that I am in..... am I ugly? am I a generous person on the outside, but a horrible person on the inside? kinda like Ted Bundy? Am I a beautiful person on the inside, but an ugly person on the outside? Like Shrek? I wonder sometimes, I wonder what the people that are with somebody, actually see in the other person. Are they with them because the other person works out? are they with them because the other person has an amazing personality? Why does the person stay with the one that they are with, even though it looks like they are both miserable? Are they afraid of being alone? Is alone really so bad? Is it worth hating everyday of the rest of your life, if it means you will never be alone, and you have a person to call your boy/girl friend?

This is what goes through my mind after I had a few drinks. My mind shifts into hyper speed when not held down by the fear of going insane, or the rush of anger that such thoughts often bring. So I ask myself..... what is wrong with me? Have I not yet found my soul mate? It is a very big planet, maybe making a valiant effort to meet more people will help in my search for a better half? Would my search go better if I looked differently? Maybe if I lived in a different part of the country?

Is it asking to much to want the love that I give out, returned to me? Why must I always be the one to initiate, put down a deposit, then loose all my stock? (not talking about money). Would I render better results if I weren't as nice? Should I risk losing a good friend to potentially have a wonderful relationship? Maybe I'm looking for love in all the wrong places? (like the song says). Will I end up unhappy if I make the wrong choice? Will I think im making the right choice, but end up making the wrong move? Would I rather die alone, than live with someone I don't want to be with?








The answer is.....................

Turning of the tides

I must admit, I made this blog to vent frustrations, pass on wisdom, and examine the few weaknesses I have worked on, and continue to improve upon. Right when I looked in the mirror, and saw the lowest point of my life that I could let myself achieve without contemplating suicide....... The tides took a turn. Just when a long string of situations seem hopeless, and I am ready to just accept the fact that things are, the way they are. The world shifts, and I am opened to a brand new destiny.



I didn't expect it to happen, hell I thought at my age I have been introduced to all of the people I was ever going to meet. Especially in a world as cold, and fast to forget a person as the one I live in. A place where most people don't even acknowledge the existence of another human being (regardless of race) walking down the street. An area of the country that people see your disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and assume that its a trap to rob, or hurt helpful motorists.



I remembered her from my past. She was just a girl then: happy, and eager to figure out the mysteries of life. We did not spend much time together, so over the next few years, both presences have been stored in the back of each others memories, like a time release vault that will unseal itself when the counter reaches zero. I think the vault is the perfect way to describe the situation because without warning, at the zero hour. I was hit with an older, mature, adult version of what I had forgotten so many years ago. Instantly the memories took center stage in the 24/7 Grand theater production that is my mind. The happy little girl role was cut out, and replaced with a tall, dark skin, intelligent woman as the lead actress. When she began her performance, every eye, and ear in the house was affixed to the words, and motions of this ebony goddess. Each gesture recorded, and every movement noticed then stored away.



The clothes she wears, the curves in her frame, the shape of those big pretty eyes that seem to dissect whichever "macho" front I choose to put up. Also the conversation! How could I forget the way we seem to banter well back, and forth (which in my opinion is most important). I find myself inadvertently comparing her to other people. She hasn't lost a match yet, but I am slowly breaking myself out of the habit. I guess I spend a bit to much time thinking about her, but its not entirely my fault. She shares the blame every time my face lights-up when I receive a message, and when an image of her puts on another performance within my mind. The penalties for such actions are swift, and constant: A warm smile, never having to pay for dinner, all the mental kisses one can give, and the deep adoration of a young man.

The Gift, and the Curse

I just had a 4 hour conversation with my parents. This usually doesn't happen; me being a man of few words, and all. The conversation didn't really bother me, but it was the following realization afterwards. It started when my Mother asked me "Do you drink?" A simple question requiring a simple answer. On any other night I might have given a straight answer, but this night I just couldn't help but make a mountain out of a mole hill. Instead of saying "yay", or "nay" I wanted to know if she knew what she was really asking. I gave a "politicians" answer (answering the question with a question), I dissected the question so I could get her to tell me what was really on her mind.



Now....... I am pretty used to dealing with my parents, and their narrow minded views, but something was different about tonight. While I was battling back, and forth about the complexities of the question she asked me. It occurred to me that maybe my deep thinking, logical mind, is a curse?



In my youth, I heard the phrase "What you don't know won't kill you" or something to this effect. It was something about the less you know, the less pain you feel. The exact words slip my mind, but while I struggled with my parents about my explanation of why some questions in life don't always have a yes, or no answer. I remember a thought I had O so many years ago: If its true that the ignorant you are, the less things hurt you, than maybe the inverse is also true. Possibly the more you know.........The more knowledge you gain, the more you are punished for knowing it. For example, I'm sure everyone has experienced a situation that you wish, you would not have know anything about the topic. You opened an e-mail the other day telling you about how the neighborhood "bad ass" is roaming the streets slapping neighborhood puppies. So you (in an effort to not get your furry friend slapped) lock him in the house, with all the windows nailed shut. And the next day you find out it was all a hoax, but its to late to avoid the puddles your pet has created by not being let out of the house to use the "bathroom". This might not be the best example of what I'm trying to convey, but its necessary to show how sometimes (very few in my opinion) ignorance sometimes can be bliss. So, coming back to one of the many pointless battle with my parents, that can never be won by either side. I started to give them examples of how there are "grey" areas in life. How everything doesn't always have to be a "yes, or no" answer. As I was acting out a particular scenario, deep feelings that I once had in my teenage years started to surface. Is it possible that "deep thinkers" like myself, and a chosen few people on the planet, have been given the gift of an open, intelligent, thirst for knowledge mind? or have been cursed with the solitary, often misunderstood logic, and weirdness that comes along with being so much different than everyone else?



For example, A young 14 year old boy in school, is being "picked-on", and harassed by his fellow peers. He sometimes says weird things because his mind constantly asks questions, and wants to learn, but he hasn't yet learned how to ask tactfully. The other children will not befriend him, and make fun of him from groups that dress, talk, and act identically. Now...... this boy is gifted with a mind that will learn, and grow far beyond his immediate classmates. While they refer to him as a nerd, and point fingers, he is understanding how space is a vacuum, and how a pendulum works. On the other side of the coin, while the boy's mind grows, he is looked upon, as eccentric, and odd, because of this talent. Yes, the boy can experience life in a way that most people can't. He will have a greater understand, and be able to manipulate anything he puts his mind to. But on the opposite side, He will have to suffer for his knowledge. The boy will learn of the many kinds of poisonous snakes in the wild, and will in turn never go on a hiking, or camping trip. The kid will read the homicide, and drunken driving statistics, and not want to work up the courage to walk to a friends house for a New Years eve party. It might have been a good idea to know about the info that could possibly save his life, but at the same time it might put a grinding halt on once in a lifetime opportunities. Like say at the party; the boy could have met his first girlfriend, or he could have stopped a friend from getting in the car after downing an entire bottle of "Randy's special cough medicine". Sometimes the aquired knowledge can have its drawbacks.


Now that I have explained how the gift of "open mindedness" could be within itself a curse, lets examine the positive aspects. Having an open mind can mean different things to different people. An idea as easy, and trivial as this, can boggle some minds. While a chosen few are gifted with the ability to take it a step further. For example, I may know someone that is a talented poet, or maybe has the mental focus to perform telekinesis. One of the best things about being this person is that fact that its open! You can express yourself in countless different ways. You are not put into a category: short, tall, funny, ugly, or witty. Unlike the "mainstream" way of thinking, open minded people can excel in their own personal way. They don't have the same music, eat the same food, or dress the same way as everyone else. Now, I know there was some "individualist" movement a while back, and now everyone thinks they are unique. But if you really look at it, that whole movement was just to try to get the average person to be "open minded". There's nothing wrong with this I think, because it just makes the genuine article work harder, and advance their thinking. The Diamonds are forced to shine brighter when you polish the rubies. So, Its my opinion that some people are meant to "think outside the box". There are certain people that have an unquenchable need, to test the boundaries, and learn every detail of the question "why". Also, I think that we should acknowledge these people, because without them there would be no advancement. There would just be puppets, and puppet masters.

Smart is to sexy as un-smart is to un-sexy?????

Originally written: 06/14/07




I remember when I was in grade school. There was this girl, her name was Martine. She was a quiet, and shy type of girl. She rarely spoke (around me), but when she did, every word had correct answers, and made more sense than an eighth grade student should. She wasn't the kind of silent person that has a "stay back" personality. I remember her as being a very warm, and inviting person. Martine was a straight "A" student, I don't even remember hearing of her getting less than an "A+". Back then before the growth process of puberty I had a very juvenile idea about girls..........(I guess because I was in fact a juvenile). But for some reason I figured that a person so smart, beautiful ( I forgot to mention how beautiful she was), and for lack of a better word "perfect" would not want to hang with a reject like me. The guy who was barely making it in class a Peon if you will. Martine was (at the time) a tall, brown skin, short haired slice of pie, with the body to match. And most of all her personality was superb...... she didn't use big words to make you feel dumb, or laugh when you did bad on a test. Looking back, I think I admired her at that age. How a person can be beautiful both inside, and out. Today I actually find the very same characteristics in a woman very sexy. I guess I could not do to much about it in the past........being a peon, and all. But today I find it very comforting when a girl is intelligent, quiet, and an all around good person on the inside. Well maybe quiet isn't the right word...... But when a girl knows how to listen to others, then able to offer an intelligent sensible solution to your problem is a turn on. I'm not saying that she has to be a rocket scientist, and spew Jeopardy facts from each orifice. But I just want to make it clear that having well thought out conclusions, and not being an "A" hole weighs very heavily in my book.

Are old people wise??? or are wise people just old???

Originally written: 5/22/07



I was traveling with my parents last weekend, on the way to a cousins house (B-day party/BBQ). It was me in the back seat, both of them in the front. Ordinarily I would be listening to 2 Pac on my i-pod, in a music filled world of my own. But for no apparent reason I was not. While on minute 45 of the hour, and a half wait to reach the destination I suddenly hear the conversation between my parents seem to come to a pause. Remembering a forum that I was previously reading, I decided to ask them the same question, that had so many "Internet deep thinkers" choosing sides, and battling to prove which side was correct. I asked them "If you were to create a robot (with AI) would you punish it, if it were to make a mistake". Now, don't think that they immediately understood the question. It took several attempts of clarification, and repeating myself in order to get this conversation started. Now to understand their responses, you must first understand in which era they both grew up in. During their prime years, Computers were as big as refrigerators. Calculators, and simple OS programs were just starting out. Now, it took me about 15 minutes to explain to these two what Artificial Intelligence was. Because Instead of answering the real question I posed to them which was basically should you punish something that you created in your own image. They were answering if computers can think for themselves or not. So, in order to get them to understand the question I had to more-or-less prove to them that AI actually exists. So, thinking quick on my toes, I gave them a small example of how AI works with the things they use daily. I gave the example of how a car uses a very fundamental form of AI. For instance, the way a car adjusts the air/ fuel ratio. the CPU in every car has sensors, and these sensors tell the CPU if the engine is running rich, or lean based on the kind of gas that's being used, and the temperature of the engine bay. If the person is cheap, the gas will be lean, and so the CPU must make a decision on how much air to add based on certain factors. Now, after I pretty much prove that machines can actually make certain choices, I bring the question back up. Whether its right to punish the robot for its mistakes. I could see that they had a hard time believing that computers have gotten so advanced that they could actually make choices. I could also see that they were so stuck in the belief that all computers do not get smarter than "computer chess". I could see that this was a problem for them because they started trailing off in the conversation, telling these really long anecdotes to prove their point, and making fake laughs about the question, trying to avoid the acknowledgment of new concrete information into their minds. So, finally after a long interlude of question dodging I finally got them to change the answer to the question. At this point I was not even worried about their answer..... I was more worried about their stubbornness to receive new information. So it got me thinking. Does wisdom really come with age?? Because it seems that when you are older you are more set in your ways. ex. "Can't teach an old dog new tricks". Is that because the dog is close minded, and does not want to learn new facts? So, it seems that I will eventually have to make a choice in life........well maybe choice is not the correct word. Because this "choice" seems more forced on me rather than me actually picking the better road. Will I one day have to decide between being young, and open minded, or being old, closed minded, and wise. Both have advantages, and disadvantages. But I keep wondering........ will I become as narrow minded as my parents????

Can you see my Aura? its a Luminescent shade of Neon Blue

Orignially written 5/16/07





If you are a spiritual person, and I'm not talking about the sort that attends church once a week, pays 10%, and carries the belief that God will smite the guy that just cut in front of them in the bank line with a lightning bolt. I am talking about the people that look past all the glamor, safety, and lemming like qualities of most organized religions. If you are one of these people, then you have learned that there is a world of knowledge just waiting for the open minded to discover, and utilize. In my personal experience I have found a system. I did not have a teacher, or knew anyone that could tell me how this system works. But I will tell you what I've learned, and how I believe it to work.Everyone has an aura, which is probably obvious to most open minded people. Everyone must shape their aura into whatever form it becomes, ex. a criminal shapes their aura based on the life they lead. It is my belief that a person makes decisions in life, they can choose to help the old lady across the street, or slay 50 puppies. And those choices determine how the individuals aura is formed. As a child, life decisions are small, and hold little meaning so the aura is small, bright, and shapeless. As an adult, life decisions are much bigger, more is at stake, and more consequences so the aura is larger, defined, and has more of a shape. The process of converting the results of a decision into the aura is done by the subconscience. When a bad deed is done, the subconscience mind "makes a note" then shapes the aura accordingly. Whenever a person knowingly defies what their "heart" is telling them, or if they choose to do the right thing, that persons aura will take on the resulting output of the subconscience. You may experience this as a period of sadness, or remorse when negative action has been taken. Over the years as a persons personality grows, all of the choices made over the years will shape this aura, and this will inturn have an effect on other people. I think that it is possible to attract, and repel certain kinds of people based on the type of aura they have. For example: The woman that complains that she keeps meeting the same type of guys. Maybe its the certain type of aura of this woman having a magnetic like effect on negative auras. While at the same time this aura is having the opposite affect on possitive auras. This maybe the reason why birds of a feather will flock together, same goes for people. If you have spent your entire life building a good brightly colored aura, chances are you are going to be more drawn to people with the same type of energy. Now, I know the saying "opposites attract", but maybe that is just a sign of how backwards we have gotten as a society. You may look at certain relationships, and say: "She is such a good person, why is she attracted to such bad people?". Even though there is no real explanation for this behavior, a persons aura is not to be blamed. You must take into account many other factors such as: peer pressure, or the pressure put on us by society to have a gf/bf at all times. But I digress, We can learn a lot about human nature from the knowledge of auras. Also a lot can be explained about how people act the way that they act. Many of lifes big mysteries start from inside the human psyche, and its up to the open minded to pave the way.

Why you should not mourn dead people

Orinigally written: 5/04/07


I know it may seem wrong of me, but I really admire people who have died. I attend funeral's to pay my respects, but deep down I really admire the person that has past on to the next stop. About 3 years ago one of my favorite Aunts past away. On the ride back home, I thought to myself. Right now she is learning the secrets of the universe. All of the big mysteries that I ponder down here, she already knows. She knows who killed Kennedy, she knows if there is life on other planets, she also knows what happens after we die. All of the worlds knowledge is being unfolded, and presented to her like a deck of cards in Las Vegas. While I am here wondering if my soul will rise to heaven, or experience hell.........She is finding out the truth about how the earth was started. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no type of rush to die or anything. But I admire these people because they already know what horrors lie inside of a black hole, or how the aids virus was started, and even how to cure it. One day I will know the truth, because believe me I have a whole list of questions to ask........but I am not in a hurry to pay the toll for knowing this information. So for now I guess I will just have to settle for being ignorant, and just make educated guesses about the tree that falls in the forest.

Time is of no importance.......only Life!

Originally written: 4/30/07


That is a quote, I heard this past weekend while I was watching one of my favorite movies "Fifth Element". I didn't really pay to much attention to it previously because these words were spoken by an oddly shape golden alien. But this time around it got me thinking.........Everyone seems to be in a rush to use their time wisely: "40's the new 20", "time is on my side", "You made a time machine, out of a DeLorian?". There seems to be a mass attempt made by our culture to preserve youth. Everyone wants to be young forever.......or how did the song put it "forever young"? But I have a new theory for you stick in your pipe, and smoke! What these people are really trying to do is cling to life. If you think about it, Life is a million times more valuable than time. Every year some news report comes up with these figures of: "how much time people waist sitting at stop lights", and "how much time we waist commuting to, and from work". Our time might seem like its being waisted away when we are doing a boring, dull, or painful activity. But it is really Life, that is being waisted. A good example of this is the 40 year old male that goes through the "mid-life crisis". It takes the average person forty years to realize how important life is. So the person tries to recapture lost life by buying expensive toy's, and spending money. But then sooner or later it sets in........there is no fountain of youth, and one can not make up for lost life.Think about it. When someone invites you to an event, or you plan to attend a party. But then you do not go, for whatever reason. You have no idea what you missed: maybe a good experience, maybe a lame party. But the point is that once that opportunity is gone, it will never comeback. No matter how many parties, or events you go to afterwards. So, to make sense out of this last analogy. Life is whats being waisted, which can be broken down as being: the opportunity to gain experience. whether it'd be good, bad, or ugly. Time......which is what most people try to replenish, and recreate is not nearly as precious. I remember learning that a goldfish's memory only lasts about 2 minutes at a time. So in that length of time, the fish could have been hungry, then it will feel like, all its life it starved. Then the next couple minutes could have been pleasurable, so the fish thinks that all its life its been happy. Or like-wise if its master has been gone, it feels like all its life its been lonely. This is a good example of enjoying life, and not worrying about time. Yes, the fish is happy for only 2 minutes, but while it can enjoy it.....Life is good.

First order of buisness

Believe it or not, I have a few articles that I have stored away just for this occasion. I will try to post them to give you some background info on myself.